I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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