my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
