Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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