Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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