hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he fucked my hip out of place.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
