I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
