You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
