Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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