Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
