Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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