and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
