I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm always down for nudity.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
