Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
