I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Girls should come with a carfax report
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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