ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
