Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
