Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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