woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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