I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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