I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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