He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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