i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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