my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
