I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
