If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
