im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
