I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
