He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
