How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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