saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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