you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
