all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
