I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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