I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
