Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
