Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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