I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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