i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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