Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
