Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
