Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
