My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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