2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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