Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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