erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My feet surprised me
Randomize
