just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
