I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
