i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
