Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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