I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
