My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
