im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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