M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
