I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
