I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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