I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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